Some good ones in this thread.
Happened to me many tears ago in a chippy in South Shields.
Me: Kebab meat and garlic mayonnaise please.
Bloke: We don't do garlic mayonnaise
Me pointing at the big squeezy tub of garlic mayo on the counter: Whats that then?
Bloke: Mayonnaise with garlic
Me: So I'll have kebab meat with garlic mayo please.
Bloke: but we don't do that.
Me: So whats that? (again pointing at the big squeezy tub of garlic mayo on the counter)
Bloke: Mayonnaise with garlic
And repeat
Originally Posted by village
AAAGGHHHHHHH! These kinds of unspeakable cretinism make my blood BOIL!
Makes you wonder: Is it genetic or have education and society failed so badly that some people have never learned to use their mental faculties adequately?
Last edited by markrlondon; 13th January 2016 at 16:39.
Dover ferry terminal "restaurant" early one morning.
there are muffins....
muffins with bacon, bacon and egg,sauage,or sausage and egg.
all the ingredients are looking quite inviting ,there on the griddle.....
Goat: "can I have a muffin with bacon and sausage please?"
Chef: "no mate"
Goat: (puzzled) "er..one of those muffins with some of that bacon and one of those sausages?"
Chef: " no mate"
Goat: "errr, why's that then?"
Chef: "it's not on the till mate"
there was evidently no button to push to sell me a bacon and sausage muffin
I waited till I got to France.
One wonders if he was a chef or a 'food preparation technician'...
I think its a little bit of everything, plus they where probably dropped a few times as children.
What was wrong with placing your order and when plating up,just put what each person wants on their own plate,even if some didn't want the free salad why get into conversation about it!,just bin it or pop in the fridge.
I understand questioning re the beef if you've had it before.
Change yer fast food takeaway lol.
******** Metropolitan Borough Council, where I used to have my business. Unless you are paying by card, it is ABSOLUTELY impossible to anything by phone. They do have the For whatever, press 1, for summat else press 2, for an other thing press 3 phone menus but trying to speak to an oferator (whoops typo there, meant operator) all options end up as being e-mail us on www....... I think all the operators are off!
I JUST WANT TO SPEAK TO SOMEONE!
How hard can it be?
In Burger King with a mate between sound check and set time (just a pub gig):
Us: Four 99p cheeseburgers please
Till jockey: Four pounds please
Us: (Hands over exact change) you mean £3.96
This drives me wild. I went to a poshy burger place in Leicester with one of my student mates. Whereas I'm doing it the second time around, he is 20 and a bit wet behind the ears. He wants a burger, on their menu, to which another patty can be added for £1.50. Waitress comes back after she has taken that order and says she can't add the patty for £1.50 but she can add one for £3.25. He is just about to say yes, when I ask why we find out it is not because they have run out of £1.50 burgers but because they haven't programmed the till for the extra. I suggested that between they found a way to work it out.
I stopped at a roadside caff once (can't remember where exactly, but it would have been between Wolverhampton and Bournemouth, so that narrows it down). I asked for a cheese sandwich and was politely told that they couldn't do me a cheese sandwich, but if I wanted they could do me a toasted cheese sandwich
WTaF ?
Slightly OT - not a phone call, but a letter
Does this win the most pointless letter ever written comp.?
.
Bear me out here.
I can understand why you might think that however let me put it in context.
This sort of thing happens to me all the time in this hotel as I stay here a lot. If I was on holiday or here infrequently most people would overlook it or even be pleasantly surprised and quite rightly so.
As I'm used to this I made a point of verifying what the Biryani was before I ordered. I did that to avoid either having the wrong Biryani arrive which has happened more times than I can count ( I do not like lamb , especially here as it tastes like roadkill) or having a phonecall 30minutes later telling me they had no chicken biryani , which is exactly what happened anyway! If he'd told me at the time I would have ordered immediately from Biryani Brothers and saved the 30 minutes it took them to tell me. ( wrongly as it happened)
The Biryani in the hotel costs about £12 for a tiny bowl of frankly crap Biryani. The only reason I ordered it was I was extremely busy ( currently working 16 hour days with limited time to eat).
Ordinarily I would just have ordered from "Biryani Brothers" but that would usually entail me ordering ( easy) , asking the switchboard to put me through to the concierge (nightmare usually takes 4 plus attempts as the staff do not know how to use the switchboard) , speak to the concierge about letting the Biryani Brothers delivery boy through (concierge is a capable fellow so that is no problem but security are dumbasses) , wait for the concierge to tell me its arrived , leave my room on the 26th floor to go to the lobby and walk the distance to the reception, pay delivery boy , return journey.
Now the Biryani Brothers food is great and its only £3.50 , far superior to the hotel's.
So my intention to save a little time and effort at extra expense completely backfired as I ended up going for the outside order anyway despite trying to avoid any confusion or complexity with the hotel staff.
This stuff happens constantly over here...you won't want to hear my brocolli story.
I can completely understand that this sounds like an unreasonable winge but these guys are just completely incapable of simply giving you what you want without massive rounds of complexity and timewasting happening. No matter what measures you take to stop that happening.
Actually,I find that I do want to hear the broccoli story.
Seconded!
And me. Hang on. Sprouting broccoli or just regular?
Alright I hope it doesn't disapoint....
I stay in this hotel a lot and the food is generally quite unhealthy. So I find I'm constantly watching my weight.
Anyway two things on the menu are a rocket type salad with tomatoes and a broccoli type one.
So when I'm trying to be healthy I usually order one or the other and supplement it with a can of sardines ( whihc I get from amazon in India...weird ??).
So to get these salads I have to order from one of the restaurants in the hotel not through room service ( welcome to Indian complexity). This usually requires me to persuade the person on the other end of the room service number ( when they pick up) to transfer me to the right restaurant whihc usually takes 2-3 goes . As a result I always ask if the rocket/broccoli is available becuase even though it on the menu its not always available.
The problem is that some people will tell you its available simply because its on the menu despite me asking them to check with the kitchen.
So what then happens is that I order it and then 40 minutes later some member of staff will call to inform me that its not available.
So to avoid this happening for the umpteenth time I get face to face with a member of staff in the executive lounge and I patiently ask him to check if the broccoli is available . I explain why I am asking him to do this ,that sometimes people just read it on the menu without checking and that I want to avoid waiting around for 40 minutes only to be told that I cannot have it.... he dutifully goes off...15minutes later he returns to tell me that the broccoli is available an he has placed my order.
Now please remember that this is one of the few healthy things on the menu and I have stayed in this hotel for about 5 years on and off ( and its a 5 star).
40 minutes later I have three members of staff approach me ; one of them the chef in full chef regalia . He sweeps his arm and bows and delares that there is no broccoli for the salad but I can have asparagus instead.
I flip in front of about 20 people in the executive lounge . I tell the chef where he can stick his asparagus and ask them all what the "feck" is wrong with them.
Of course everyone present thinks I am some unreasonable madman because I seem to have lost it over broccoli. What they don't realise is that I have made every effort to avoid this situation from happening and yet...it still has happened.
I'm here now by the way wondering what to have for dinner. Rocket or Broccoli ( the rocket holds the same danger)
(in fact I ordered a pizza last night which is primarily an anchovy one ...it arrived with zero anchovies on it...when I complained they sent me another one with two anchovies and a man with a pot of anchovies asking if I wanted more).
Its just the overcomplexity of simple things that drives me mad here...its insane.
Thanks for posting the broccoli story. I've learnt three things from this.
(1) it wasn't worth the wait
(2) if you did in fact have asparagus,I'm betting the chef plus most of the kitchen staff went to every effort to stick it exactly where you suggested before serving it.
(3) the short anchovy story was funnier
Call to BT.
BT - Can you confirm your name & address please sir.
Me - Tells then my name and current address.
BT - That's fine how can I help you sir.
Me - Tell me, is that the address you have on file?
BT - Yes sir
Me - Then can you tell me why you keep sending my bills to - names old address.
I used to work in a call centre, this is an easy one 😀
A. Because your billing address is filed separately, and a minimum wage muppet forgot to / never understood how to change your address in all the necessary locations.
The biggest lesson I learnt from that experience is to do everything online, as then *you* can be sure *your* details are correct because *you* inputted them. The other, less useful lesson was that in a big corporate entity, amongst the colleagues you'll ever work with, only the Business Analysts know what's actually going on, everyone else is working on blind faith.
Either adapt to the surroundings and be a bit less choosy - or ask for a Waldorf salad.
1. In most restaurants around the world, the menu on room service is different from the menu in the restaurant ( and nothing to do with 'Indian complexity'. Have you ever stayed in hotels anywhere else?
2. Which 5 star is this exactly. I have lived for months on end in Taj/Oberoi and other sundry 5 star hotels ( not to mention 4 stars ) in Bombay - and the service is far better than this. Your story is simply made up, or you are singled out for this treatment. Ask yourself, why.
3. If you hate a country so much ( which is evidenced by your various other posts) time to ask yourself why you go back. And, if you have to, why not stay in a decent hotel ( Ramada is a 4 star, and service is better than most 5 stars in Europe - unless of course, you shout and insist that folks stick things up their....)
Last edited by UJJWALDEY8165; 15th January 2016 at 05:59.
I am a business analyst and you are correct.
Ah, but that's what you want everyone to think, isn't it... ;-)
Yes
What about when it goes the other way - A couple of years ago arrived home one Friday night after consuming a few got settled down to watch some inane rubbish on the box and the phone goes-
me- hello
drunken woman- is that the takeaway?
me- yes what would you like?
drunken woman- do you do deliveries?
me- yes
drunken woman- places order and gives delivery address.
me- congratulations you are our 100th customer tonight and have won a bottle of wine.
drunken woman- squeals of delight and screams to Harry (possible husband) that they have won a bottle of wine!
me- sorry love my boss has just told me its a crate of wine not a bottle.
drunken woman- even louder screams and shouts to Harry that its a crate, Harry shouts back is it red or white?
me- you can have whatever you want.
drunken woman- can we have 4 of each!!!
me- set the table love it will be there in 20 minutes.
I sometimes feel bad about that!
"I'm sorry, we're fresh out of Waldorfs"
That's superb! Presumably she attained a comatose state and didn't think to hit the redial button to enquire as to the whereabouts of her takeaway and freebie.
Never heard any more from her, that was my one and only foray into the fast food world, she was probably too busy calling all her friends telling them about her amazing luck followed by a call to the takeaway!!!
As the song goes - 'If you can help somebody as you go along then your living has not been in vain'
A very good point, and they do tend to bring an audience.
I can just see it in the Kitchen:
'Mr X has ordered food again'
'What did he ord..... wait - great, give me 30 minutes and I'll come up with you. Anyone else coming alone for the ride?
Perhaps you need to think of yourself not so much as a paying customer, but as imprisoned royalty: treated with utmost respect and politeness, but utterly powerless as to what is granted you?
My house phone blocks pretty much all spammers but the odd one gets through by spoofing a local number - I have come to enjoy my moments as 'Mario' the bad-tempered owner of a pizza shop who just wants to take an order and get on with cooking...
Maybe you should try getting out of the 5 star hotel and having a look round. You might appreciate the people trying to help you can speak 3 languages fluently (their state language, Hindi and English) even if they do get hung up on the intricacies of European vegetables. You might also appreciate that you are akin to royalty in a country where the average family income is less than £300 per year, which might explain why no-one wants to say no to you even though they know as well as you do what's going to happen.
You might console yourself that at least you can get away from the government corruption and bureaucracy that means that half of all the rice produced in India rots before being delivered, and be pleased that at least some of the revenue from their world class technology industry is filtering down slowly. Maybe then you might start to appreciate all the wonderful things that India has to offer.
I like that.
Whenever a nuisance call comes through to my mobile, and I accidentally answer it and have the time and inclination, I use the following or a variation of.
Me: Yes?
Them: Is that Mr ********
Me: This is a code 4 restricted secure number. How have you got that name?
Them: It's on our list.
Me: This is a major security breach. I need to speak to your supervisor immediately.
Them (usually getting flustered): I'll have to get them.
Me: Repeat the name of the company you are calling from clearly and slowly.
Me: And now state your name and position...
Me: Now get your supervisor.
Supervisor: Hello?
Me: We have a major problem. This is a secure line you have called. I have your company name recorded. You now need to remove this number from your database immediately, do you understand?
Supervisor: Yes, apologies, this doesn't usually happen...
You get the drift.
I was inspired by the absolute classic:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5cpzLxYnpG4
Probably safe for work (no bad language), but you will laugh.
Last edited by TheFlyingBanana; 15th January 2016 at 12:47.
^^^^I laughed solidly for all three minutes of that
The poor guy only wanted a Chicken Curry, shouldn't really be a big ask in a 5 Star Hotel in India should it ?
Well at least we have all learned something today - that Mr.D. likes his hotel food with extra Chef's sputum / seminal fluid in it. And that the staff probably all hate him!
Last edited by ach5; 15th January 2016 at 16:39. Reason: auto-correct / sausage fingers. Mmmmm sausages....
You are Jeremy Clarkson and I claim my £5.
I have to say, having smiled at some of these, I do wonder if this isn't the only way someone in one of these dreadful dead-end jobs gets any enjoyment.
I think I'll try this approach on my next call with a customer and see how I get on - Seems to work for our technical team in India...
Me : "You know those bugs we fixed on the test system?"
Engineer : "Yes"
Me : "They have been fixed on the Production system too, right?"
Engineer : "Has the customer had the same problem in Production?"
Me : "Well, no, but they haven't tried running it there yet as we've only just finished testing the fixes".
Engineer : "OK, well get them to try it in Production and if they find the bugs we'll fix them"
Me : "Hold on, are you suggesting we hope they don't find the bugs in Production and we'll only fix them if they do?"
Engineer : "...have they found these problems in Production?"
M.
^^^ If it ain't broken don't fix it. In some some cases this has mutated into: If it's broke, don't fix it.
You lot should try a day working in education. I get gems such as "What question do I do after question 2?" Um, question 3...
One year 11 genuinely thought that every time you drink a cup of tea, the milk gets filtered out and stored in boobs, that's how women get the milk to breast feed.
That was my understanding aswell.
If so, how is man milk accumulated?
Didn't ask, don't want to risk a disciplinary over angry parents.If so, how is man milk accumulated?
Found it interesting today when my class all said the queen was a good thing but vehemently disavowed anyone receiving benefits, I pointed out the similarity.
Probably get some angry parents on Monday...
Probably a bear pit thing though
All over the world. I have stayed in this particular hotel for 5 years.
Last year I assisted the staff in a situation whereby a colleague had commited suicide , including checking his corpse for life signs ( it was not pretty) and counselling the staff in the days afterwards and intervening with the local police who were harrassing the hotel manager over the incident ( India being a corrupt place).
Its a Marriot but I'm not telling you which one in Mumbai as you are obviously a not very balanced individual and I would not want some weirdo stalking me.
I was invited to the country 8 years ago by what is probably the largest company in the world that operates in my chosen profession. I am generally regarded as one of the best creatives in the industry operating over here. I have personally trained up about 300 Indian artists from scratch . I sacrifice significant time away from my family to do this .Last week I was nominated for two of India's largest film awards; one of which I won.
next?
Last edited by Mr.D; 16th January 2016 at 14:59.
yeah, I have stayed in both the flagship Marriot in Juhu and the Renaissance in Powai and both have exemplary service, with everyone bending over backwards to help. Your story just does not make sense. A phone call to the General Manager of the hotel will easily sort out the problem, if at there was one. . Maybe your ' largest film awards' somehow prevents you from treating ordinary folks with the respect they deserve.
In Bombay no one gives much damn about minor film celebrities - they are dime by the dozen in that city. Possibly no one told you about that.
Oh, and I am sure Marriot was grateful for your intervention with the local police - I wonder how they ran so many hotels for the last 30 years without you to help them out with the police and other sundry matters. My my, you should get a special award for that. Windmill, tilting...and all that
Last edited by UJJWALDEY8165; 16th January 2016 at 11:59.
So you're one of the minds behind those terrible Bollywood 'films'?
I have just received some footage from India:
http://www.grapheine.com/bombaytv/pu...3f27d4e61.html
I was reminded of this by this thread...
Could be apocryphal?
Cricket was playing on the telly in Australia... It goes on the blink and sign comes up 'sorry we are experiencing technical difficulties'
Kerry Packer was watching the match and decides to call the technical dept of the channel which he owns.
KP - what the bloody hell is going on... What's happened to the cricket you drongo?
Engineer - well if it wasn't for dumb calls from idiots like you, then I might be able to get on with my job and fix the flipping problem
KP - do you know who I am? I am Kerry Packer, i own the channel and can sack you, you big gallar...
Engineer- do you know who I am?
KP - No
Engineer - Good (hangs up phone)
Ha ha ha ....name of the film is 'Don'. One of those meandering potboilers of the mid 70s, but a big hit. Saw the clip after ages. Thanks Possu
Their money is as good as anyone's. And I've :done" about 10 , I've also done about 80 hollywood films and various independant films from all over. Sure some of the Bollywood ones were terrible ( I like to think not because of my work though) and plenty of the hollywood ones were terrible too despite massive budgets and an army of professionals.
What's your point ? Something against India or are you just joining the rest of the ankle biters I seem to have stirred up?
The mean spirited tone that some people are applying to my first little tale is not in fact there.
Whilst I have experienced much of India (I've seen more of it than most Indians I would suspect ) it does have it problems , one of which is over reaction to criticism...bit like some of the replies I've gotten here funnily enough .
However to insinuate that I do not understand or value the place when in fact I'm heavily invested in India from both a personal and business side does seem a little out of proportion to a tale about broccoli and biryani.
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