Didn't know you know my mum and dad. No e on the end of Zouch by the wayOriginally Posted by blackal
Coincidentally - just two days ago, a 69yr-old couple i know in Ashby de la Zouche told me (verbatim):
Nice walk along Ashby canal.
Just sitting on a bench to take in the view and the sun.
Along comes a man who says “Afternoon. See they have closed of the car park to stop the queer boys coming in and masturbating. Enjoy your walk”. Also, no gays in Ashby they all live in Coalville
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2 male ex-colleagues , R and M . were much given to taunting each other and on one occasion , when R had made a comment about M's wife, M blurted out " Well, she's more of a man than you'll ever be ". Fortunately the office was fully manned and we all were able to enjoy this riposte......
My partner overheard this argument on a bus - read it with a Bristol accent:
"Ere mine but i luves ya and f***s ya and giz you ma chips.."
Didn't know you know my mum and dad. No e on the end of Zouch by the way
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You sure you moved - for work, and not because they closed your park?
Was at The Milking Shed before Xmas - great beers and superb pizzas.
Genuine and from Wiltshire , but referringto a previous observation " It's not that big, but I wouldn't want it on my eyelid for a wart"
Way back in the 80s Capital Radio had an 'agony aunt' phone in.
One night someone phoned and said "My girlfriend keeps asking to have sex in the back passage". "You mean anal sex?" was the serious reply.
"The back passage, she always wants sex there"
"So, what is the problem?", Asked the agony aunt ( she was quite well known at the time, but I forget her name now).
"Well, I'm worried the old bloke next door will come by with his bike!"
They cut him off, but it still makes me smile
M
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Breitling Cosmonaute 809 - What's not to like?
You got me.You sure you moved - for work, and not because they closed your park?
Was at The Milking Shed before Xmas - great beers and superb pizzas.
God I could do with a pint of Ashby pale now. I'm off down the park to hang about the toilets.....
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One I will never forget, was about ten years ago in Tesco.
A young child (must have been 5-6 y.o.) asked their mother 'can I have a banana?' whilst walking through the fruit section.
The mother replied instantly with 'What the f* do you want a banana for?'
Unbelievable.
When the Missus was preggers she developed gestational diabetes which I managed to control with some dietary adjustments, we still attended the relevant clinic though for monitoring as you do. Overheard a convo between another mother and a nurse, N. asks 'and how are you finding feeding?´´ Other M.. ´´I buy´s Mc D´s and put it through the blender for him´´...Oh lawdy, where would you even start.
Not me but a friend. Standing in the checkout queue at Morrisons. This kid was going ape about wanting sweets and the mother wasn’t letting him. The kid then screams “let me have these or I’ll tell Grandma that you put Dad’s willy in your mouth”.
The mother just left the trolley and dragged the kid out. Hysterics ensued in the queue.
I was accompanying my old dad in a hospital outpatient waiting area a few years ago, there were quite a few of us and it was quite busy.
A chap with his very restless young kid was understandably allowed to go in early.
A few minutes later, the very excitable young kid came running out of the consult room, skidded to a halt and addressed the waiting room with the phrase “that man just touched my willy!”, whilst pointing back at the Dr.
Much laughing ensued, but as it was dying down an old man a few chairs away muttered in a Yorkshire accent, “I, and he’ll be touching mine in a minute an all..”.
Have to fess up as I’m the guilty party here.
In tescos at check out when I need a poly bag.
So I pulled one of the bundle but I couldn’t, for the life of me, get it to open. I tried rubbing between my hands, licking my fingers and trying pull it open. Nope. No way. Never.
Old lady standing next in the line grabbed the sealed bag, licked her fingers, rubbed the sealed bag and hey presto.
At which I said out loud as the tills went quiet, “well done madam, the bag obviously just needed a ladies wetness!”
Quack quack oops!
I didn't witness this, but a friend recounted it to me.
His mother had a stroke and as part of an assessment she was asked to draw a clock.
She looked at him in disbelief and asked, incredulously "you want me to draw a Cock???!!"
M
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Breitling Cosmonaute 809 - What's not to like?
"Secret Agent - on WHOSE side"? "
At a quite nice hotel in York. My wife and I were enjoying breakfast. A man was sitting at a table when two young boys (around 7 and 3) came into the restaurant and sat down with him.
"Where's Mummy?" said the Dad.
"She's upstairs having a poo" replied the elder child.
Cue much sniggering among the patrons when 'Mummy' came down to join them a short time later.
Sent through the ether by diddling with radio waves
Had to laugh the other day at my 5yr old granddaughter. She was asking how her mum's earrings were attached to her ears.
On explaining she had them 'pierced', she asked her mum, "Can I have mine pissed as well mum"?😂
In the queue at PC Wold
I hate the number six because it sounds like sick.
Currently on the Lizzy line and the guy next to me is talking about the jury service he is currently on
“Bro it’s sick, I iz off work and I get to sit about and be on my fone
Free hours I did today and dey pay for lunch.”
Here's hoping you don't go from 8 to 6 in quick succession. Enjoy the Q.
Another Americans in Edinburgh one.
I was standing outside Chisholm hunter and a tourist family asked me where the castle was, so I pointed and said "over there"
Wife says "no, thats not it" and ushered the rest of them away.
They must have been expecting Hogwarts.
Anna Raeburn and The Capital Doc, Dr Alan Maryan Davis, if memory serves. There were some blinders, I remember the hairy palms wind up, the fellow kept them on for ages..
Last edited by notnowkato; 14th March 2023 at 19:58.
Yep, that was the one!
M
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Breitling Cosmonaute 809 - What's not to like?
Had to revive this thread as I heard a cracker this morning
2 teenagers were walking past me on the way to school, one turned to look at the bus arrivals board and said to the other
“Oh my god it’s four minutes… do you know how long that is?”
Last week at the gym two teenage boys (at a guess 15-16ish) were talking as I walked by so this is verbatim what I heard:
Boy 1: You can't use that word unless you are from Africa!
Boy 2: I am half African, my dad is from Portugal.
Boy 1: (laughing) That's not in Africa! That's a Hispanic country, they speak Spanish there.
I hear so much dumb stuff at that gym.
This may get far more responses in The bear pit.
z
“I feel like I actually deserve my life right now”
My Head of Dept famously once said "Who's fault is it that we have a blame culture?"
Am in in India right now and in a local tea place heard a guy talk so loudly I was sure he had a mega phone, he shouted to the rest of the tea drinkers how rich he was and how he couldn’t get a wife no matter how hard he tried!
Shortly after the Queen died, I was walking behind two ‘local ladies’ in Millwall when one turned to the other and said “ What type of c$&t would queue 12 hours to look at a fucking box?? Fuck that!”
Thought the same thing myself at the time.
Still don’t know the answer.
Very similarly, also in Tesco, same scenario: "No, you're not getting any fruit!" It made me really sad, has stuck with me.
And, in Tesco, to the small kid, maybe about 3, who wants to sit in the seat on the trolley alongside the 1 year old sibling: "I'll tell you what, if you want to behave like a baby I'll put you back in my tummy." I'd have paid to see that.
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Spurs v Nottinghan Forest early 1990's
The ball goes out for a throw in, Steve Sedgley goes to take it.
Bloke in front of me shouts 'Sedgley you F***** Ugly ****!'
Women in the row in front of him stands up
'No he's not...He's lovely ...I should know I'm his Mum!!'
In 1999 or 2000 I was sitting in a Jubilee Line tube train at Canary Wharf, having just come out of my place of work and waiting for the train to depart. Sitting opposite me was a Chinese man, talking to (I presume) a colleague next to him. Suddenly he exclaims very loudly "I CAN'T GET ANY RESPECT IN THIS WHOLE COUNTRY!"
And as if to underline his point, most of the occupants of the carriage burst out laughing.
Which was of course pretty pathetic - but not surprising.
"Oi! Dave! Do you know if these sausage rolls are halal?"
Cos if they are I’m not buying them!
Not overheard as such but from an email I've just received:
"The cleaners have just brought a tub-aware container left over from the bake sale, it’s a large clear tub with a green lid."
In my mind being tub aware is something else altogether and I wouldnt be opening that.
My daughter is 25 and has a very good job at Oxford University. Recently she said: "People who have birthdays at the start of the year are lucky because they don't have to wait as long."
Ummm.
Oh and my wife. We'd idly googled the price of personalised number plates (no idea why) and she was amazed that some went for ten of thousands. The next day we saw a car with one that said "S4RAH" or something and I said "Bloody hell that must have cost a fortune!" She replied "Yes, and she'd only have to back into a post to break it."
She literally thought that you bought the plates, like some rare piece of ceramic art. As if "Sarah" had a Picasso on the front and back of her SUV!
I was once at Halfords getting a plate made. After about 15 minutes my wife turned up wondering why it took so long. She was under the impression that the plate was held in stock. Think about it.
Overheard on a bus.
Two ladies.
1st. Are you still driving?
2nd. No I gave up after the accident.
1st. What accident?
2nd. Well, you know our long drive with garage at end, well I went up drive and hit the garage doors. It was quite a mess. Mind you, it was my husbands fault.
1st Why?
2nd. He didn't tell me to stop.
Absolutely true story.
That is worthy of Jean-Claude Vandamme
He allegedly said "If you pull an April fool trick in September, you'll catch more people"
'Against stupidity, the gods themselves struggle in vain' - Schiller.
This is great:
https://www.facebook.com/watch/?v=934706574243514
"No, don't eat the stick. Please."
Mother to her hungry son in a pushchair.
Last edited by Wimm; 13th August 2023 at 15:02.
A few years ago I was walking along St Thomas Street. Two people were chatting away walking in the opposite direction. Presuambly recounting a tale, one was saying in an exasperated, disbelieving tone, "How long does it take to put on a pair of socks?!" Always wanted to know the rest of the story.
Seen on a different forum:
On a flight landing at National Airport in DC and overheard a man say to his wife "See that eight-sided building? That's the Pentagon."
I was at my brother’s house and his kids had just come home from school. His six year old daughter and eighteen year old son were chatting in the kitchen. We heard the son ask “why have you got your PE shorts on with your summer dress?”
To which she replied “cos I shit myself”.
One of the funniest things I’ve ever heard 🤣
Because the correct grammatical form is "shat"?
Someone who lies about the little things will lie about the big things too.
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